Page 59 - The Mirror of My Soul. Vol. 1

Nicolai Levashov. The Mirror of My Soul. Vol. 1. Born in the USSR

13
When I was a boy, a film dedicated to Kamo , a “flaming” revolutionary of the
“Great Russian” Revolution, staggered me. In the film Kamo pretended to be mad to
avoid prison and penal servitude. A doctor, who conducted the medical examination to
find out whether he was mad or not, drove needles in his back and observed his reaction.
Kamo did not show that he felt pain and continued to speak with his tame sparrow
relaxed as if nothing had happened. The only thing that gave him away was the fact that
his pupils widened each time the doctor thrust a needle into his body. When the doctor
saw it, he was so amazed by Kamo’s force of spirit that he confirmed the diagnosis of
madness which Kamo simulated.

I was so impressed by the plot of the film and thought, what if I was able to bear

pain and gave no sign? Certainly, I did not aim to disfigure myself during the verification
of my own force of spirit. By that time I had been in many risky situations and had shown
no weakness, but I did not know the limit of the force of my “spirit”. Therefore, it would
be easier to try something similar to that which was shown in the film. However, to drive
a needle in the nerve-knots of the back was somewhat problematic; it was only possible
with some external help. But I disliked the idea—what if my “spirit” flinched and other
people would know about it... So, I excluded the external help at once. I had no desire
to be in held in derision. Therefore, I had to rely only on myself.
I remembered that the largest number of nerve-endings was under nails and in eyes.
I was not ready to pierce my eyes and chose my nails. Besides, I remembered that one
of the keenest tortures was thrusting needles under the nails. This fact resolved my
dilemma. Thrusting needles under nails I could get the desired result: I could verify the
force of my “spirit” and avoid seriously harming my body. Also I could do this without
any assistance and observe in the mirror whether my pupils widened or not, whilst I
thrust needles under my nails! I choose a suitable moment when there was no one home,
and with some agitation began my experiment. I took a needle, disinfected it in eau-de-
cologne to prevent infection, and staring at myself in the mirror ... drove a needle under
my nail.

I made it but still wanted to be sure that my pupils did not widen. After I made sure

that I would be able to stand the test as one should, I asked my brother to be an
independent observer and repeated the experiment in his presence. He confirmed that
my pupils remained unchanged. It was exactly what I needed. I cannot say that while
driving needles under my nails I felt no pain. I did. I have always been highly sensitive,
but in these experiments I gathered all my will-power, prevented the pain from taking
hold of me and even tried to smile.

I succeeded and was satisfied with the results. I demonstrated it to no one. I did not
need cheap authority. I wanted to test myself and did it. The only person who knew about
it was my brother. Ten or twelve years had passed since my experiment, but he told the
tale and was called a liar. One day, after I was off duty, we came to these people with

needles and eau-de-cologne.

The future observers suggested resisting “tomfoolery”, but I decided to show the
“trick”. Be-fore their very eyes I, smiling, drove several needles under the nails of my

13 Kamo (Ter-Petrosian) Simon Arshakovich (1882-1922), an active figure of “Russian” revolution. He organized
underground printing offices, transportation of arms and literature, participated in bank robberies and other operations to
«expropriate» money. In 1918-1920 he organized the underground in the Caucasus and the South of Russia.

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