Page 255 - The Mirror of My Soul. Vol. 1

Nicolai Levashov. The Mirror of My Soul. Vol. 1. Born in the USSR

hotel. The organizers had reserved me a first class room which I paid for, as well as the

air plane tickets. I mention all this for one reason: this had an unexpected continuation.
In the morning of the next day I gave an interview to a local newspaper which
advertised my performances. I also gave a short interview for Arkhangelsk TV in order
that people who did not read newspapers could know about my performances. They took
place in the auditorium of the Arkhangelsk House of Officers, which was shown to me.

I also was taken on a small tour of the local sights and… here it was, the evening
of my first public performance. It began at seven o’clock in the evening. On the first day
the auditorium was half empty or half full, depending on how one prefers to see things.
My entrance was announced and I appeared for a tete- a- tete with the audience...

I did not have stage-fright, more precisely—I do not have it now. In fact I put in a
lot of effort to get rid of it. In my childhood, when I did not quite understand what was
happening with me, I felt awfully uncomfortable when I had to speak in public,
especially in the presence of strange or slightly unknown people. In my class where I
knew all my class-mates and teachers I was always at ease, expressing myself quite

freely. I could expound upon any material, freely answer any questions and never had a
problem in communicating my ideas.

But if someone new appeared in the class, my eloquence disappeared “somewhere”.
When teachers called me to the blackboard I would begin to mumble and “bleat”
something ridiculous. As though I had “swallowed” my tongue and could not say
anything correctly, although I knew perfectly the material of the lesson.

I felt ill at ease when someone strange looked at me (I was accustomed to my class-
mates and teachers). I did not understand the nature of this feeling and I would blush and
check whether every-thing was all right—whether I had buttons undone or if my boots
were of one and the same colour, etc. Every time it was all right but, nevertheless, a
strange and incomprehensible sense of awkward-ness remained and I was no condition
to say even a couple of words correctly.

This strange state always revolted me, I saw surprise in the eyes of my teachers
whom I respected, but could do nothing about it. And one day which in principle was no
different from other days I promised myself that this kind of thing would not happen
again. That does not mean that everything became all right the following day or that I
could feel comfortable speaking in public almost immediately. Certainly not, it meant
that in this situation I gathered up all my willpower and did not allow the
incomprehensible confusion to seize me.

In my childhood I did not understand the nature of this phenomenon and it was only
when I began to recognize the nature of it consciously that I understood why I had that

strange feeling. What happens is that every person, whether he understands it or not,
influences any other person to whom he speaks or even if he simply stands nearby.

This influence is especially increased, if a person concentrates his attention on
someone specifically. Therefore, the looks of listeners fall on a lecturer. They beat him
like a lash and if a person is sensitive enough, he will really feel those looks like blows,
especially, if the thoughts of those listeners contain a negative component or when a
person has their own naturally powerful field. It does not matter, whether a person

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